Approximately eight weeks ago I decided to begin an online class through an Ivy League school. Because I have a lot of time on my hands. Just kidding about the time on my hands part, but we will get to that. But seriously I did enroll in a free online class through Yale called The Science of Well-Being with Dr. Laurie Santos. It is apparently the most popular class at Yale. It teaches students the brain science behind happiness and well-being and why most of the things we think will make us happy really don’t. It also asks students to engage in activities throughout the course that will (hopefully) lead to a more happy life.
So a little background. In my “before” life (aka before three kids), I was in the process of finishing my Master’s of Counseling (only 12 credits shy), owned my own home, had a career I loved as a social worker and a great marriage. Oh yeah, and I had just figured out I was pregnant with our first child. I was a strong, independent, confident woman who was living life on her own terms. The life I truly thought I had always wanted.
Flash forward 12 years and I am now a stay-at-home mom of three amazing boys. The youngest two have disabilities. I never finished that Master’s degree, I don’t own anything anymore (thanks to the 2008 market crash and the loss of my home) and I have been jobless for twelve years. So basically unemployable.
Five years ago, our third son decided to make his entrance into the world 15 weeks early. After an incredible 199 days in the NICU, he came home to us with a myriad of diagnoses and equipment. We also found out that our middle son, who was just three at the time, was diagnosed with one of the rarest forms of muscular dystrophy. Thus began our five year journey in survival mode as a family. Along with losing myself, my passion for life and any semblance of “self-care,” my marriage took a huge hit.
My husband had a year long emotional affair. To say I was devastated when I discovered it wouldn’t even begin to brush the surface of the emotions I was experiencing. We went to hell and back and I fought harder than I have ever fought for anything. We are still in the rebuilding stages to be honest. The wounds are still a little fresh and tender.
Then COVID-19 hit and I suddenly became not just a stay-at-home mom, but also a homeschooling mom, a physical therapist, occupational therapist, speech therapist, vision teacher, and a special education teacher. So…naturally, signing up for an additional class for myself would be the absolute right choice for now.
Turns out, it was the exact right thing at the exact right moment. This class has forced me to examine parts of myself that I haven’t wanted to look at closely or didn’t even realized needed examining. Much of the assignments are “self-care” oriented. Learning (or re-learning) to take care of ourselves so that we might be able to find true well-being in our lives. Then came the assignment on gratitude. We students were directed to write a letter of gratitude to someone and then read it to them in person. Well, I will be perfectly honest, I knew exactly who I was going to write the letter to, but DAMN did it take me a long time to write it. It was so therapeutic in the end. My healing, my journey is not over. But what I have realized is that I still have a voice. A voice worth being heard. To find forgiveness for myself and those people who have hurt me has been a struggle and not one that I’m done with, but it’s finally helping me find that passion that has been hidden in the deepest parts of my soul from the very beginning.
Dear Hubby,
I am so incredibly grateful to have you in my life. Your humor and lightness has brought me out of some of my darkest moments.
When we were in high school, I never could have imagined that we would build a life together. Much of that feeling came from my own insecurities and lack of self worth. I feel in some ways we have grown up together. We started out as fresh faced 21 year olds who only knew how to live life passionately – whether loving or fighting. You showed me what it was like to have immense self worth and to carry that self-assurance proudly. I remember those early days of our relationship and how empowered I felt because I could call you mine and I yours. That was where I first truly found my own self esteem. And for that I am so grateful.
As we grew older and made more mistakes, you showed me what unconditional love is. And I can honestly say that I think I’ve only ever felt that from my mom, you and the boys. I don’t really understand the depths of your love, and maybe I never will but I continue to see it in even the smallest things. To be honest, it’s both scary as hell and one of the most joyful things in my life. I learn every single day (even the darkest ones) how to love you back with that unconditionality.
I am, obviously, grateful for all the things you do for our family. The job you sometimes hate, the care and love you provide us. But i am so grateful for the man you have become. You have worked your ass off to get to where you are today and i really am in awe of who you are. I am grateful that i was here to witness it and my prayer every day is that i continue to watch you grow because it has been so inspirational and exciting to watch.
I am also grateful that you are the father of our children. You are by far the better parent and watching you guide our sons has been one of the greatest joys these last 11 years. You tenderness with them and the boundaries you set can only lead to them being even better versions of us.
Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for choosing me almost 17 years ago and thank you fro choosing me again last year. 17 years is a long fucking time and we have gone through more than some people go through in a lifetime. I know, in the deepest part of my soul, that I am right where I’m supposed to be though because being anywhere in your orbit just feels right. So thank you for holding onto our relationship and fighting for us. For our family.
This letter really doesn’t even scratch the surface of the amount of appreciation I feel for you. But I’m not sure I know the right words. I just pray that I am able to continue loving you the way you deserve and that we are able to keep forging a path forward and together. I love you more than anything.
Love, Jennifer