I’ve had a rough morning so far. There have been fights between the kids and adults and between me and Hubby. I have those feelings of loneliness and desperation. That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach where I just know I can’t, for one more second, keep going.
So I meditated. Well, first I cried. Hard. And then I meditated. The guided meditation with Deepak Chopra was about finding happiness and inner-peace. And I realized, during the mediation, that I haven’t felt true inner happiness or peace since I found out about the infidelity. And to be completely honest with you, I really thought, or had convinced myself, that I was better. That I had really moved on. But I couldn’t stop feeling, in a very deep way, that I haven’t dealt with all the emotions yet. I have been running and numbing for 2+ years now.
Plus, we are supposed to go visit with my parents today. And Hubby said something a couple months back about how much I’ve changed since moving back to our hometown. And not to be extra-cliche but, I probably have some issues around my parents. Maybe more surrounding my father but there are lingering issues with my mother as well. And we will go over there tonight and have fun, and drink too much, and get into ridiculous arguments about politics and religion and how we are choosing to live our lives and I will react how I will react because the truth is I’m not really in the right headspace to go over there and do that today and then there will be another fight tomorrow morning between Hubby and I.
And I will feel like I ruined the whole weekend and not just Saturday.
Which, in all honesty, isn’t much different than many other weekends. Why is it that I always feel responsible for ruining the weekends? And then if I start to think about it too much it brings me back to just a few short years ago when our marriage started disintegrating. And that makes me even more sad.
So today is not going well. Sometimes I think, if Hubby had had the balls to end it with “her” when he wanted to, which he says was at least 3 months before I caught him, that I might be happier right now. You know, cause Ignorance = Bliss? Right? And then I think of all the times in the past 2 months I have told people that Knowledge is Power. Which is actually what I believe. And the truth is, I’m glad I know about the infidelity. Because I see it making us stronger, whether just as friends or as life partners. But the change and metamorphosis that this revelation has forced me into is painful. And scary. And heartbreaking. But as Miranda Lambert says so eloquently in Running Just In Case: “Happiness ain’t prison but there’s freedom in a broken heart.”
So after meditating for 30 minutes, and then feeling the overpowering need to write, I’m starting to think that maybe I can make this day ok after all. Turn it around some how. But I know that means I will have to be unbelievably vulnerable and open with everyone around me. And it will take an endless amount of courage in order for me to do that. And I will be very, very tired at the end of the day. From being more open, from being more physically affectionate, from choosing to bite my tongue when everything inside of me wants to scream whatever it is from the top of my lungs. But I will remind myself, we are only as sick as our secrets, and I don’t want to be sick anymore.